Perceptions

A while ago an MSW intern (I'll call her Melanie) at my old job gave a presentation to us during a staff meeting about empowering girls, and a couple things she talked about really stuck with me.  I've been thinking about them lately, so I decided to share.

One of the things she talked about was encouraging a healthy body image, and I think this applies girls and boys of all ages.  Part of having a healthy body image is having a healthy perception of food.  We have to view food as a good thing--we have to embrace that we need it.  And yet, food tends to get a bad reputation.  Food makes you fat, and thus food is bad.

Melanie pointed out that we see advertisements for "guilt-free" food everywhere.  While these marketing campaigns are mostly just a cute way of saying, "Hey, this is actually fairly healthy," it also implies that we should feel guilty about eating any food that isn't fat free, sugar free, and totally healthy.  This thinking has infiltrated our society.  I can't tell you how many times I've seen Pinterest pins that label a dessert as "sinful" or an easy treat as "dangerous."  We have a habit of telling ourselves that if we eat something that isn't exactly healthy, we should always feel bad about eating it.

Melanie explained to us that labeling foods as good and bad--whether just in our heads or out loud to kids-- can be a very dangerous thing.  It's this kind of thinking that leads to eating disorders.  Melanie told that once her daughter came home from kindergarten and told Melanie that they aren't supposed to eat hamburgers and fries because they're bad foods.  Melanie worked at an eating disorder treatment center and knew first hand that this label can end up completely consuming a person.  After all, many of the factors behind bulimia and anorexia are based on feeling guilty for eating "bad" food.  So she emphasized to her daughter that hamburgers and fries are sometimes foods.  They are ok to have sometimes, but not something to eat a lot of.  She then drove her to McDonald's and bought them both burgers to further show her there is nothing wrong with eating greasy food occasionally.

Something Melanie suggested to us was intuitive eating.  Mostly this means using moderation and common sense as you eat.  Only eat when you're hungry and stop when you're full.  Eat a variety of things and if you know intuitively that you're eating more treats, greasy food, etc. than is good for your body, cut back.  For example, if I start to crave Coke or Dr. Pepper, I know I've been drinking it too often.

Eating intuitively also takes away the temptation to binge.  Binging is never a good thing, whether it's unhealthy food or otherwise.  So called "guilt-free" foods often claim that you can eat as much as you want without negative consequences, but we all know this isn't true.  You wouldn't feel awesome eating a whole pan of brownies in one sitting, but you wouldn't feel great eating a 5 lb bag of carrots in one sitting either.  Too much of anything isn't good for your body.  Your intuition would never nudge you to down way too many carrots, and it also wouldn't tell you to eat too many brownies.  Listening to your body and having the self control to stop is the best thing we can do for our bodies.
 
But I digress a bit.  Ever since Melanie's presentation I've been very aware of how food is portrayed to both adults and kids. Special K (especially the strawberry kind) has been one of my favorite cereals for years, but I always felt weird admitting it.  The commercials portray it as a diet cereal and that you should eat it if you want to lose weight.  However, that's not why I eat it.  It tastes good, has a nice texture, and don't even get me started on those yummy foamy strawberries.  But for a long time I worried someone would start up that awkward Napoleon-esque conversation and say, "I see you're eating Special K.  Is it 'cause you think you're fat?  'Cause you're not.  You could be eating Fruity Pebbles if you wanted to."  I shouldn't feel awkward eating a cereal I like.  But media tells me I should have issues with how my body looks in order to want to eat this cereal.

I've seen several commercials that discreetly portray women in general as having an innate weakness for sweet foods.  The moral of the story commonly seems to be that women don't have the strength to resist unhealthy cravings, so they need some sort of replacement food to help them out--low-fat yogurt, a high-fiber granola bar, or a sugar-free brownie.  I'm not saying those products are bad, but I dislike this message it sends to women: You are weak when it comes to food.  I don't really consider myself to be a feminist, but this is a little demeaning.  If I know I shouldn't eat that brownie, I just say no.  I don't have to replace it with a low-calorie snack so that I don't turn into The Incredible Menstruating Hulk.

Men aren't exempt from these subtle food messages.  Men are told to eat "like a man" by having a thick and meaty soup or a man-sized TV dinner.  Here and there you get commercials with guys eating salad, but even then sometimes they make such a big deal about him eating that salad that the message is still, "It's abnormal for men to eat salad, but make this one exception and come eat this salad."


I guess the point I'm trying to get to is be aware of how media influences your view of food and your body.  Don't feel guilty, stupid, or weak.  You have the power to make good decisions about your body and you have the strength to be healthy.

Learning to Wear the Creeper Goggles

I've always been very conservative when it comes to sharing identifying details on my blog. You may have noticed that I never mention my last name, my address (not even my city), my phone number, where I work, and I even hesitate to mention first names of my family and friends. While not revealing a phone number or specific address is a no-brainer, you might think that everything else is a bit of an overkill. Yeah, I'm a little paranoid. But it's not without a good reason.

A few months ago I attended a conference in which the city's detective over crimes against children spoke. He told of a recent situation in which an elementary-aged boy set up a Facebook account. Now, he didn't do too much with his account, but he did put up his picture and "liked" his elementary school. A man (a pedophile) who lived in a city several hours away was trolling for little boys on Facebook and came across this particular boy. He did some research and found out where the elementary school was located, printed out the boy's picture, and made the voyage up to the boy's city. He waited outside the elementary school for several days until he identified the boy from Facebook. He followed the boy as he walked home from school and then tried to persuade the boy to get in his vehicle. Fortunately, the boy got away, told his mom, and the police quickly caught up to the Facebook creeper.

This happened in a smallish, safe college town! And all it took was a picture and the name of an elementary school. People who troll Facebook or blogs for victims are so good at putting two and two together. Sometimes I put my creeper goggles on when I look at blogs that are public. No last name, but a link to their Facebook page--full name accomplished along with a handy picture.  Maybe their address is on whitepages.com. No address, but I have gathered through several posts that they live in Cody, Wyoming and work at the hospital--location accomplished. Now I just have to camp out at the hospital until I see them come out, then I follow them home. I feel creepy talking like that (because I'm definitely not a creeper), but it's way too easy to gather all the info I'd need to find this person.

I'm not trying to give anyone a guilt trip or discourage people from using Facebook or having a blog. But we all could use a reminder occasionally (myself included) to put on our creeper goggles as we're looking through our own social media to ensure that we aren't an easy target for predators.  Here are a few suggestions:

Facebook:
Facebook used to be fairly straightforward when it came to privacy, but with every update there were changes to privacy.  Most of your settings will carry over, but not all, so check on it periodically.  Currently there are a few places you need to go to ensure your privacy.

1. Go to privacy settings in the drop-down menu in the top right corner of Facebook. 

Set your default privacy settings to friends, or you can also go to custom and pick out specific Facebook friends that you don’t want to see your stuff.  This is good if you felt obligated to accept someone’s friend request, but you don’t really want them knowing where you live or looking at your pictures.  I’ll admit I have a few on there.  Anyway, this is sort of the blanket statement of how private you want things.  It covers most things, but not all.  Also go through the other settings on the privacy setting page to double check that things look good.

2. This part is very important.  Go to your profile and click “Update Info” (it should be to the right of your name). 

 

Go through all the info categories and make sure they’re set to friends by clicking the edit drop-down that’s usually in the top corner of each section of info.  

If it’s set to public, ANYONE can view this information, and it can put you in a very vulnerable position.  I thought my privacy settings were pretty good, as I set them up pretty tightly a few years ago.  However, I just double checked, and of all things my location was public.

3. It also may be a good idea to make your “likes” something only your friends can see (as illustrated by the above story).  You can do this by clicking on “Likes” which should be pretty close to your “Update Info” button on your profile, and then selecting friends from the edit drop-downs.

 4. Lastly, on your profile page, next to the “Update Info” button and “Activity Log” button is a settings cog.  Click it, and then click “view as…”

 This will show you what a stranger will see when they view your profile.  Put on your creeper goggles and determine if there is any information that you need to make un-public.

It’s also a really good idea to check whitepages.com and other similar websites to see how much info is available on there.  For example, I looked up my mom’s name and it brought up my parents’ address, phone number, and the names of their adult children.  For whitepages.com you can log in with your Facebook account to hide any info you don’t want publically accessible.  It’s easy and took me maybe five minutes.  You could probably leave your phone number on there if you still wanted people to be able to know how to contact you, but it’s probably best to always hide your address info.  It doesn’t do you much good to keep everything on the down-low on Facebook and your blog, when creepers can find everything they need on Whitepages with just your name and the state you live in.

Privacy with blogging is a little less complicated than Facebook.  You can make your blog public or private.  Private blogs are fabulously safe because only people you invite can look at them.  However, the inviting process is a little too inconvenient for my taste, so I go with public.  When your blog is public be so so so so soooo cautious with the information you reveal.  You may not think you are a target for creepers, but you might have children or grandchildren that are.

Not only be careful about what you blog about yourself, but also what you reveal about your friends and family.  If you talk about visiting your sister, all you have to do to put her and her family in a vulnerable position is to say, “We visited Lucy and her kids who live in Boise.  They took us to a park a few blocks away from their house and it was so fun.  I can see why they go there almost every day,” along with a picture of the kids at the park.  This may seem pretty innocent, but a creeper familiar with Boise could probably identify the park and know that this family lives nearby and comes very often.  Is that not terrifying?!  Be so careful with what you say and the pictures you post.  When posting pictures of the front of your house (or someone else's house) make sure street numbers aren't visible or are photoshopped out.

The same goes with commenting on other people’s blogs.  Even if you’re pretty liberal with what you reveal on your own blog, be conservative to the nth power when commenting on a friend or family member’s blog.  Pretend like they’re part of the witness protection program—don’t blow their cover.  Don’t mention any names, cities, states, workplaces, local landmarks, etc. that they haven’t mentioned themselves.  Also, if someone makes a comment on your blog that gives too much info, go ahead and delete it.  Avoiding offending someone isn't worth compromising your safety.  Send them an email or Facebook message explaining why you deleted their comment, and emphasize that the comment wasn't offensive, just unsafe.  I've done it before and still feel a little bad about being the internet safety nazi, but it was the right thing to do.

Is this all an overkill?  Maybe.  But it’s always better to be safe than sorry.  Did I miss anything?

Missing

I published my last post a little prematurely.  I thought it was safe to say I had all my best GTBT stories in the bag.  Nope.

Today as I pulled my supplies out of my trunk right before my very last presentation, I noticed something very important was missing.  Jerome's pants were gone. 

Jerome is my boy Cabbage Patch doll.  He and Meridith tell stories to kindergarten and first grade kids on the last day of GTBT.  And when I say that, I mean I wiggle them around as I tell the stories.

I had taken Jerome and Meridith to another kindergarten class earlier in the day, and as far as I can remember Jerome was wearing his pants then.  Thus, they probably had fallen off as I carried him back to my car.  I made a quick decision that it was very inappropriate to bring this half-naked doll to the class, so I left him in my car in hopes that I wouldn't have time to tell Jerome's story anyway.

It just so happened that I had plenty of time to tell Jerome's story.  I started out by telling the kids, "A silly thing happened to Jerome today!  He was going to come tell a story, but he couldn't find his pants!  So he couldn't come today."

I then continued to tell the story I normally tell about Jerome.  In the story, Jerome rode his bike to the park without asking permission, and while he was there some boys told him they'd give him $10 if he took his pants off (how ironic is that?).  Then he was scared to tell his mom because he didn't want to get in trouble for riding his bike without permission. 

After I told the kids about the boys who asked Jerome to take his pants off, I asked them what Jerome should do.  They said he should say no, get away, and tell someone.  I told the kids, "Yes, Jerome should tell someone, but he's got a problem, doesn't he?"  I asked the kids what Jerome's problem is, and one child shouted out, "He doesn't have any pants!!  He can't ride his bike without pants!"

I laughed.  I couldn't help myself.  I explained that in the story Jerome is wearing pants--he just couldn't find his pants today.  I totally set myself up for that one.

I stopped by the office and sheepishly asked the secretary if she had seen Jerome's pants.  She hadn't.  I asked the teacher I'd presented to this morning if she'd seen Jerome's pants.  She hadn't either.  I watched for the pants as I walked down the halls and also as I walked through the parking lot.  No pants.  I double-checked in the trunk of my car.  Still no pants.

So bless Jerome's little Cabbage Patch heart, he is still missing his pants.

The Good-Touch/Bad-Touch Experience

This week is my last Good-Touch/Bad-Touch presentation of the school year. It's probably going to be one of my last presentations ever.  It's weird.  I've had a lot of really good times, funny times, and weird times.  And now I'm going to share some of the highlights with you.

Elementary school kids are awesome at giving compliments.  And I think compliments from kids are the very best kind of compliments because you know they aren't just saying it to be nice.  They really mean what they say!  About once a week a kid (always a girl) will tell me I'm cute or pretty.  Occasionally 4th and 5th grade girls will tell me they like my shirt or my shoes.

My very favorite compliment was when I was walking down the hall of a school and ran into a single-file line of 1st graders headed out to recess.  I was greeted by a handful of kids exclaiming, "Hi, Miss Lindsey!"  I had taught their class the week before.  Then one girl said, "Miss Lindsey, you smell good!"  A few children strayed a little from the line to smell me as well, "You do smell good!"  It's always nice to know that you smell nice.

I get lots of hugs from kids.  Hugs have a domino effect on kids.  It usually only starts with one kid giving a hug, and then a few other kids see it and want one too.  One class made it a habit of giving me a group hug after every presentation.  Imagine being hugged by twenty 6-year-olds at the same time.  It was pretty intense.  It took a couple of minutes to pry myself out of the classroom.

I've received some really heart-warming gifts from kids.  Kids love giving gifts as much as they like giving compliments and hugs.

My favorite is this kite that a 5th grade girl gave to me.

A kindergarten girl gave me this necklace (I think it was the drawstring from her sweater) and sweetly told me, "I made this for you while I was listening."

Occasionally I get little pictures too.  I think this is a picture of a bracelet.

Once time I gave a gift (unintentionally).  In nearly every school I've been to I put on the school's visitor sticker so that teachers know I've checked in at the office.  As I was leaving a classroom a boy called after me, "Hey Miss Lindsey!  Can I have your sticker?"  Slightly caught off guard (nobody had ever asked for my sticker before), I peeled the sticker from my shirt and handed it to the boy.  As I walked away I remembered seeing collections of stickers on some of the desks.  I hope I didn't cause any contention in that classroom because he got my visitor sticker.

Speaking of visitor stickers, sometimes I'd forget to take them off and go nearly the whole day wearing a giant apple sticker on my shirt.  I'm sure everyone thought I was pretty classy.  Another awkward thing about my job is that lots of the schools in the area look almost exactly the same.  Thus, sometimes I would walk into a school and have to pause for a minute to remember which school I was at and where my classroom was.  It was also awkward when I'd get tongue-tied and say the wrong thing when talking about rule number five--it's never my fault.  Sometimes I accidentally said, "It's never my fart."  How embarrassing.

Sometimes the kids said awkward things too, so I don't feel too bad.  A really important part of the curriculum is teaching kids to know that sometimes it's ok for others to look at or touch private body parts when we need help or have a problem.  With the younger kids we give the example of changing a baby's diaper--it's not sexual abuse because it's helping.  However, with the older kids, we let them come up with examples.  I've told you about the time a 3rd grade boy talked about getting a physical to play sports (you can go back and read about it here).  Another time a 4th grade boy began his example with this disclaimer, "Well, I don't know if this is appropriate, but..."  That always makes me nervous, because I expect a sex reference.  However, he then bashfully explained that a mom breast-feeding her baby is not sexual abuse.  Thankfully, at that age many kids have learned that sometimes it's best to pretend awkward things didn't happen.  A younger class would have giggled like crazy.

I do get references to sex sometimes.  When telling me examples about what is not sexual abuse, sometimes kids say, "When people are married..." and then they give me a shrug that tells me, "You know what I'm talking about, but I don't want to say it out loud."  I can't (and don't want to) talk about sex to these kids, so all I say is, "Yeah, good example!"  One third grade girl gave the example, "When a mom and dad want to have a baby."  I was totally floored.  Although she had only a very simple working knowledge of sex and what it produces, it was definitely way more than I knew at age 8.

Sometimes kids say really random things.  Once I asked a class a question, and a girl raised her hand to answer.  However, instead of an answer, she excitedly told me all about how her family was going to see Disney on Ice the next day.  They were going to stay in a hotel.

In the giant story book I read to the younger kids, Jonathan (the main character) thinks it might be kind of fun to be a toaster.  Several pages after talking about being a toaster, a boy raised his hand and told me that his friend had a really expensive nice toaster, but there was no way of setting how long to put the toast in for, so the toast always got burned.  So they got rid of the toaster.  Random.

One time a child urgently asked me, "The tanks?  Will they save the day?"  I'm not sure what thought process led him to wondering about tanks.  He was adorable, though.  I saw him today and he asked if I would play tanks with him.

The older grades are really into the "What if..." questions.  We cover stranger safety in 3rd and 4th grades, and they come up with the craziest scenarios.  "What if you walked home from school and your mom wasn't home, but there was a stranger there?"  "What if somebody looked up your number in the phone book and then asked for your address?"  Oh dear.  Some of the scenarios are plausible, but most of them aren't.

I've told you the pigeon story, but I have a couple other doozies up my sleeve.  One time I asked a 2nd grade class if they remembered my name.  They couldn't remember.  So I gave them a clue, "It starts with an L."  The class continued to struggle to come up with Lindsey.  And then a boy bellowed, "Lucifer!"  He was severely scolded by the teacher, but I thought it was funny.

But this is my all-time favorite Good-Touch/Bad-Touch story:  We talk about bad touches (obviously), so one time I asked a kindergarten class to give me some names for bad touches.  I usually look for answers like hitting, kicking, biting, pushing, etc...  However one little boy gave me an unusual response.  He had some speech issues, so what he answered was hard to make out, but it sounded an awful lot like, "Don't touch the penis."  Now, had I been 100% sure of what he said, it really wouldn't have been a big deal.  I would have simply said, "That is a confusing touch and we'll talk about that in a few minutes."  However, I couldn't see this kindergartener as the type of child that would know and use that kind of terminology.  So I hesitated.  It's so hard to respond to answers you can't understand.  Fortunately a student teacher was paying attention so she clarified for me, "He said don't touch the bee's nest."  The next day as we were reviewing, he mentioned the bee's nest again.  The parents in the room snickered; they'd heard penis too.  So I clarified for him.  Bee's nest. 


Funny and weird stories aside, there were a lot of things that I just loved.  I love when kids see me and ask, "Hey!  You're Good-Touch/Bad-Touch?"  One time I was at a concert for my orchestra job, and a kindergartener went out of her way to say hello to me because I'd gone to her class a few weeks before.  I love when kids see me in the halls and say, "I still remember all the rules!"

One of my coworkers once had a teacher pull her aside after a presentation to tell her about a little girl who had previously been in her class and had Good-Touch/Bad-Touch.  At the time of the presentations, this little girl had been repeatedly sexually abused over the prior month.  However, she was too scared to tell someone about it.  We hand out cards with all the body safety rules on them on the last day of every presentation, and so this little girl took her card home and put it in her jewelry box.  She continued to be sexually abused, but she frequently took the card out of her jewelry box and read and re-read the rules.  Finally, after four months of looking at this card, she got the courage to tell someone that she was being sexually abused.

I get a little teary-eyed every time I think about this story.  I hope that every kid I come in contact with has the perfect childhood.  I hope that none of the kids will actually need to use the rules.  But I know it doesn't pan out like that.  Sexual abuse is a big problem, and there are kids out there who need to hear what I have to say.  It's hard to know how many kids I've actually helped, but I feel so privileged to have perhaps been a stepping stone leading some child to help.

It's Good

Maybe you've wondered why my blog is named The Heart of Life.  My very first post explains it, but I think now is a good time to revisit my reasons behind naming it such.  It's named after a slightly lesser known John Mayer song called The Heart of Life.  Writing down the lyrics to a whole song is kind of a cliche thing to do, but I love the whole song.  So here goes cliche.

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
Then, circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

I wanted to end my child abuse prevention theme with a high note, and I think this song captures the spirit perfectly.  Bad things happen to kids sometimes, and it's been like that from the beginning of time.  The world can be a bad place, but we can't let that devalue the goodness in our individual lives.  Life is good. 

Get the Facts

I'll let this infographic do all the talking.  Child abuse happens, and it needs to stop.

Cavities

Ok, we're back to talking about child abuse.  You may have noted that I didn't talk about how to prevent sexual abuse in my last non-food post.  Don't worry, this was on purpose and we're going to tackle that now.  Parents that take good care of their children really don't have to worry about physical abuse or neglect being a problem within their family. Sexual abuse, on the other hand, is something that can happen to anyone, regardless of whether they come from a good home.  Sexual abuse picks no favorites--it happens to the wealthy, the poor, and the average alike.  This makes it massively important to talk about.

I don't have a problem talking about this subject, as it's something I talk to kids about on a daily basis, but I understand that a lot of people have their reservations.  Sexual abuse is a gross problem.  It's dirty, terrifying, and evasive.  Because this is the nature of the beast, sometimes parents avoid talking about it with their kids.  They think it's too gross for kids to know about.

This is how I like to think of it.  When kids are little, we teach them about cavities.  Now, a cavity is really a pretty gross and scary problem for a child.  It hurts, and you have to go to the dentist to get it fixed, which can be terrifying.  But I don't think too many parents are opposed to having their child learn about cavities.

However, one day the mother of a preschooler decided, "No!  I do not want my child to learn about cavities.  It's too scary.  I'll just make sure my child brushes his teeth three times a day and he'll be fine."  Thus, the mother enforced regular teeth-brushing and freaked out every time he didn't brush his teeth.  His mother also freaked out when he ate anything sugary.

This kind of freaked out the child.  He didn't know why she got so worked up every time he forgot to brush his teeth or ate sugary things.  So one day he asked his mom, "Why do I need to brush my teeth and not eat sugary food?"  His mother awkwardly searched for an explanation, "Well, you just need to do these things so... you don't have a problem.  It'll be bad if you don't, so just do it and you don't have to worry."  However, her son did worry.  A lot.  He tried to guess what this mystery problem was.  Maybe his face would fall off.  Maybe he wouldn't be able to taste anything ever again.

And then one day the unthinkable happened.  He got a cavity.  His tooth hurt so badly, and he didn't know why.  He was scared to tell his mom, because he knew she would freak out.  She had told him bad things would happen if he didn't take care of his teeth, but he had no idea it would feel like this.  He felt like it was all his fault.  He shouldn't have eaten that snickerdoodle cookie.  Or maybe he should have used a little more toothpaste.  He was miserable, inside and out.

After a few weeks, his mother noticed that it was taking him a long time to eat his dinner.  "What's taking you so long?" she asked.  "Oh, nothing," he said, eyes watering in pain.  She continued to pressure him until finally he broke down and told her about his tooth.  As he had anticipated, she was mortified.  She quizzed him on his teeth-brushing regiment and sugar intake.  She remorsefully called the dentist and scheduled an appointment.  "I hoped it would never come to this!" she exclaimed.

When he went to the dentist he learned several things that made him feel better.  He learned that what he was experiencing was called a cavity, and that this was something a lot of kids had problems with.  He was stunned.  He thought he was the only person in the world who had this problem.  When he told the dentist how much he brushed his teeth and how he tried hard to avoid sugary foods, the dentist assured him that he had nothing to be ashamed of.  Cavities sometimes happen, and they can be fixed.  The boy was relieved.  Although he knew he definitely didn't want to get another cavity, learning what a cavity was and how to prevent and fix it made him a lot less scared.

Thanks for enduring my ridiculous little story.  Sometimes I get a little carried away in my story telling.  Anyway, we can safely say that the mother in the story had misguided good intentions.  She wanted to protect her child from cavities by not telling him about cavities.  However, this makes no sense.  Everyone knows that you need to teach kids about cavities not only so they know how to prevent them, but also so they know what happens if they get a cavity.

Ironically, some parents deal with sexual abuse the same way the crazy mother in my story dealt with cavities.  They believe if they watch their child closely enough, sexual abuse won't be a problem.  If their kids do bring it up, they shroud the problem with mystery.  This isn't comforting for a child--it's confusing and scary.  If a child does have a problem with sexual abuse, this mystery will likely make the child not want to tell, for fear of getting in trouble.  Often, sexually abused children feel that nobody else in the world has this problem and that it was their fault.  No parent wants their child to feel that way.

When kids are taught about sexual abuse in an appropriate way, it becomes something that empowers them instead of scaring them.  Here are some important points for parents to discuss with their children:

• Sexual abuse is a sad problem that some kids have.
• Sexual abuse is forced or tricked touch of private body parts.  Sexual abuse can also be looking at private body parts.
• Force is when someone is making you do something you don't want to do or don't understand
• Tricking is when someone is lying to you, fooling you, or calling something a game that isn't really a game.
• Private body parts are the parts of your body covered by a swimming suit.
• If a child is sexually abused, it doesn't mean they are bad.
• Kids are usually sexually abused by someone they know.  However, sexual abuse is never ok, no matter who does it.

In addition, here are some important body safety rules that every child should know:

1. It's my body.  I decide who I share my body with.
2. The Uh-Oh Feeling lets me know if a touch is not ok.  If I feel the Uh-Oh Feeling, I have the right to ask questions.
3. If someone is touching me in a way I don't like, I can say "No!" and get away from that person.
4. I can tell someone I trust if someone is hurting me or touching me in a way I don't like.  If the person I tell doesn't believe me, I can keep telling until somebody does believe me.
5. It's never my fault if someone sexually abuses me.

Here are a few things parents should know about sexual abuse:

• Since sexual abuse is done by someone the child knows 90% of the time, often the abuser takes the time to scout out what kind of relationship the child has with his/her parents.  If the abuser notes a close relationship, it's likely the abuser will avoid abusing that child.  The abuser doesn't want to get caught, so the abuser will find children that don't seem to have open communication with their parents.
• Abusers tend to target children who appear to be depressed, lonely, or seeking attention.  These children are more easily tricked because perhaps the abuser is offering attention the child isn't receiving at home.
• Many (if not most) sexual abusers started out with a pornography addiction.  Pornography perpetuates sexual abuse.  Check out this website to find out how to help stop pornography
•  A resource that should be used wisely is the U.S. Sex Offender Registry.  You can look up your address to see if any sexual abusers are living near you.  This is a valuable tool, but should be used carefully.  Not all of the men and women registered are a real threat to you, so look closely at what their offense was and how long ago it happened.  Use your best judgement, and if you see someone you know, don't use it as a reason to be unkind to them. Everyone makes mistakes, and some mistakes are more public than others.
• 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys will be sexually abused before they are 18.  It's a bigger problem that most people realize.

There you go.  Start talking about sexual abuse.

Update:  I forgot to mention that my child-friendly info I used in this post comes from the Good-Touch/Bad-Touch curriculum.  It is a program by Childhelp that is being replaced by a new program called Speak Up Be Safe, so they don't have too much information about GTBT anymore on the Childhelp website.  However, we continue to use use Good-Touch/Bad-Touch at my agency.

Preventing Neglect and Physical Abuse

 This is the moment you've been waiting for.  We are going to talk about how YOU can prevent the neglect and physical abuse of children!  Brace yourself for this, because it's so easy it'll blow your mind.

A huge factor in neglect and physical abuse is stress.  Financial, health, and emotional issues are just a few things that can cause this stress.  When parents are stressed out, they are much more likely to abuse or neglect their children.  Thus, if we help families reduce this stress, child abuse can be prevented!

Prevent Child Abuse America has a few easy ideas on how to help reduce stress in families with kids:

• Be a friend to a parents in your community.  Listen to them and support them in their struggles.
• If a parent you know seems overwhelmed, offer to babysit so they can have a break.
• Be a friend to a child.  Ask them about their day and encourage them.
• Donate unneeded clothing, furniture, or toys to families in your neighborhood that might need them.
• Be kind to parents when their children throw tantrums in public places.
• Watch out for the children in your neighborhood.  If you see a child get hurt, go help them.  If you see a child doing something unsafe, go stop them.

Another way to prevent child abuse is to know and pay attention to the signs of child abuse.  Listen to your gut feeling.  If you suspect abuse, do not hesitate to call the National Child Abuse Hotline.  Don't worry about being wrong--the most important thing is making sure children are safe.  Child protective service workers are often perceived as cruel people who tear children from the arms of their parents at every chance they get, and this can scare people away from making reports.  This perception about CPS is incorrect.  The government could never afford to do that anyway.  Removal only occurs when the child is in immediate danger or the parents are in police custody.  When a report is made, CPS workers go into the home to investigate the situation.  If they find no evidence of abuse, it's not a big deal.  If issues are identified, the worker then helps the family resolve these issues in various ways (taking classes, cleaning up the house, etc.).  Essentially, if you have honest concerns about a child, there is absolutely no harm in reporting.

Last of all, it is so important to simply know about resources in your area that help prevent child abuse.  Not long ago, in a community near where I live, it was made known that several trees were to be cut down from Main Street.  The LDS Church had requested the removal of these trees, and the city granted it since the young trees were sick.  In cutting the sick ones down, the healthy 80-year-old trees would have more room to thrive.  This made sense to me, but there was an outcry from some of the citizens of that city.  Although there was nothing underhanded about the removal of the trees, people were upset that this was happening.  People signed petitions and attended a city council meeting to voice their disapproval in the removal of these sick trees.  In a news interview, one woman said something to the effect of, "We teach our children to save the environment, but then we cut down these trees!  It's so sad to cut down something living!"

When I heard about this, I couldn't help but shake my head in disbelief that 6 trees had caused such a big stir in that community.  A few months prior, a 30-year-old program at my agency was cut.  This child abuse prevention program had helped hundreds and hundreds of families throughout the years.  My agency is a private non-profit agency, and thus this program had been funded by grants from the government.  When the grant was unexpectedly discontinued, the tried and true program screeched to a halt.  It was devastating to those of us who knew what an important program it was for the community.  However, unlike the trees, this program was felled silently.  There was no public outcry.  To my knowledge, there were no petitions.  It didn't appear in the ten-o-clock news.  The program just quietly ceased.

The contrast between these two incidents is sad to me.  I don't think any community really values its trees more than its families and children.  But it's funny which of the two got the most attention.  Honestly, I think my community didn't notice the program's disappearance because it didn't know the program even existed.  Many communities simply do not know about the jewels nestled in their midst.

In order to keep child abuse prevention resources in the community, the community needs to be aware of these resources.  Even if you don't directly use these resources in your community, know about them.  Support these resources.  Recommend these resources to families that do need them.

There you have it.  Preventing neglect and physical abuse is easy.  Find ways to reduce stress in families with kids, report suspected abuse, and be aware of and support the resources in your community.

The Four Horsemen of Child Abuse

The first step in preventing child abuse is defining it.

Abuse is when something or someone is being mistreated, misused, disrespected, harmed, or hurt. According to the 2010 U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Child Maltreatment Report, in 2010, an estimated 695,000 children in the United States were abused. Parents are the perpetrators in 81% of child abuse cases. 57% of child abuse victims are 7 years old or younger.

The first of the four horsemen of abuse is neglect. Neglect accounts for 78% of child abuse. Neglect is when basic needs are not met. Basic needs are food, shelter, clothing, age appropriate care, love, and education. We typically picture neglect as a skeleton child who sleeps on the streets, but most neglect isn't that severe. For example, if a parent feeds and clothes an infant adequately, but keeps the infant strapped in a car seat for much of the day on a daily basis, this is neglect. As the infant's head rests hours upon hours in the same position on the car seat, eventually the back of the infant's soft head will flatten. It is also likely that the child will have severe diaper rash from being changed infrequently. If this confinement becomes a long-term daily pattern, the child will become developmentally delayed, both physically and emotionally, from a lack of stimulation (being held, playing, wiggling, etc.). Seventy-eight percent may seem high, but when we consider that much of neglect is a direct result of parental substance abuse, this number is right on track. Substance abuse is a huge problem and naturally, some addicts have children. Drugs and alcohol greatly impair a parent's ability to care for his or her child appropriately. Another form of neglect that falls under a slightly different category is medical neglect. Approximately 2% of child abuse is medical neglect. This is when a caregiver fails to provide adequate health care to a child, although they are financially able.

The second horseman is physical abuse. 18% of child abuse is physical abuse. Any physical contact that causes major bodily harm (such as bruises, welts, internal or external bleeding, or broken bones) is physical abuse. This includes the shaking of infants. The use of objects (like belts, spoons, or whips) to strike a child is also physical abuse. That being said, a normal spanking (using just a hand) is not physical abuse. Normal spankings do not leave any marks on the body, and usually do not cause pain for more than a few seconds. On a related note, in some states it is child maltreatment for a child witness domestic violence.

The third, and perhaps most disgusting type of abuse is sexual abuse. Around 9% of abuse is sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is forced or tricked touch of private body parts--whether it is the child's private body parts or the perpetrator's private body parts. Sexual abuse can also happen without touch. If a child is forced or tricked into showing another person his or her private body parts, this is sexual abuse. It is also sexual abuse when a child is forced or tricked to look at another person's private body parts or at pornographic material. It is a common misconception that sexual abuse is normally something done by a complete stranger, but this is false. 90% of sexual abuse victims know their perpetrator.

The final horseman of child abuse is emotional abuse. Emotional abuse (also known as verbal or mental abuse) is the manipulation of a child through words or actions. It can also be "excessive demands on a child's performance" (2010 Child Maltreatment Report). 8% of child abuse is emotional. I believe emotional abuse is very under-reported, considering that some degree of emotional distress occurs in every type of child abuse. In light of physical abuse, sexual abuse, or neglect, I think emotional abuse sometimes gets shrugged away. It doesn't seem as dangerous as the other types of abuse, so it gets ignored. Emotional abuse has it's own unique dangers, but they aren't as visible. Emotionally abused children can become very reluctant to trust others, which can have a negative impact on relationships with family, peers, etc. It can also have an effect on the child's self-perception. If a child is told he is ugly, useless, and stupid, eventually he might start believing he is all those things. And if a child believes he's ugly, useless, and stupid, eventually he might act in these ways. It's important to mention that discipline, when carried out appropriately (in the spirit of loving correction), is not emotional abuse. I'll explain this further in another post, so stay tuned for that.

Another 10% of child abuse doesn't quite fall under any of the four major types of abuse. This includes, but is definitely not limited to, abandonment, threats of harm, or congenital drug addiction (when a pregnant mother uses drugs).

Regardless of how child abuse happens, it is wrong.
Child abuse must be stopped!

(all of my stats come from the 2010 Child Maltreatment Report)

The River

I forgot to mention it in my last post, but my blog changed!  It's yellow!  Yes, it's bright and obnoxious, but I like it.  It's cheerful.  Cheerful is a good thing.

It's April, so it's officially Child Abuse Prevention Month!  Not only is it my personal blog theme for the month, it's actually a nationally recognized thing!  I know not everyone is as obsessive about child abuse prevention as I am, so let me explain some of the big names in preventing child abuse.  Prevent Child Abuse America is a national organization with 47 state-wide chapters.  They've recently started a campaign called Pinwheels for Prevention.  This campaign has designated the pinwheel as the official symbol for child abuse prevention.  I like this as a symbol.  Child abuse prevention preserves the innocence of childhood, and the pinwheel is a good portrayal of this simple innocence.  Child abuse has always been a somewhat scary and taboo subject, so people tend to shy away when it's talked about.  They like to believe it doesn't really happen.  The pinwheel is a subtle reminder that child abuse is indeed a problem, but we need not be afraid of preventing it.

In order to explain the importance of prevention, I'd like to preface this month's theme with a story I heard last week at a conference:

A man was walking along the banks of a river when he heard a large splash and a cry for help.  He ran, following the sound of the cries until he came upon a child floundering in the middle of the deep river.  He wasted no time; he jumped in and pulled the child to safety.  He noted the child was not breathing, so he performed CPR.  Shortly afterward, the child gave a sputter and cough and began to breathe on his own.  Relieved, the man scooped up the child in his arms and took him to the hospital.

The next day, the man was once again walking along the same river when once again there was a large splash.  Once again, he raced to help and found another child drowning in the exact same spot in the river.  Once again, he pulled the child to safety, gave her CPR, then carried her to the hospital.

The exact same thing happened again the following day, with only one major difference--there were two children this time.  The man performed honorably--he hoisted not one, but two children to safety and miraculously performed CPR on both children until they were breathing.  He summed up his remaining strength and carried the two children to the hospital.

The man noted a pattern--all these near drownings occurred in the same area of the river.  He also noticed that the number of near drownings was increasing.  He felt a certain responsibility to rescue the children who fell in the river, but knew he wouldn't be able to do it alone.  Rescuing one child single-handedly had been difficult; rescuing two children on his own had been nothing short of miraculous.  Thus he employed the help of several friends.  Together they kept watch over the river and rescued each and every child that fell in the river.

The number of children falling into the river continued to increase.  Soon the man and his friends were overwhelmed.  They needed more help.  They went to the mayor and explained what was happening.  The mayor was sympathetic and assigned a group of emergency personnel to assist the man and his friends.

After a few weeks, a member of the emergency personnel had a brilliant idea.  She had noted that the path they were taking to the hospital was a very indirect route.  She suggested that they create a new path to the hospital.  This would decrease the time it took to make the commute to and from the hospital.  All agreed, and they went to work making this new path.  Just as they had suspected, the new path definitely helped to streamline their rescuing process.

However, even after these improvements the problem continued.  The group was flabbergasted.  They didn't know what else to do.  Thus, they called in the local drowning expert.  They explained everything they'd been doing to save the drowning children.  They showed her the life-saving equipment they'd acquired, and told her of the CPR trainings they'd attended.  They even showed her the data they'd collected on how much time they were saving with the new path to the hospital.

After she'd seen everything, the expert stood on the riverbank gazing at the river.  She had just one question, "But why are the children falling in?"  One group member pointed out the cliff that hung over the "trouble spot" in this river.  He said, "They fall off that cliff."  The expert scratched her chin and suggested that they investigate what was happening at the top of this cliff.

When they got to the top of the cliff, they found a soccer field packed with soccer-playing children.  The soccer field was precariously close to the edge of this cliff.  "When they play too closely to the edge of the cliff, they tend to fall off," the expert explained to the rescue crew.  "Rescuing the children who have fallen off the cliff is good, but it is better to prevent children from falling in the first place.  If we build a fence along the edge of this cliff, the children wouldn't fall off.  They won't be in danger of drowning.  They won't need to be rescued.  That will solve your problem."

And so a fence was built along the edge of the cliff.  Suddenly, children stopped falling into the river.  All it took was a simple chain-link fence to keep the children safe.

As a society, we have a way of making problems more complicated than they need to be.  We devise elaborate plans and methods of saving those who have metaphorically fallen off the cliff, but sometimes we forget to ask why they're falling off the cliff.  Often, it is much simpler (and more inexpensive) to stop a problem before it happens than to remedy to a problem that has already occurred.

I am a social worker and my current job is in child abuse prevention, so it's something I do and think about a lot.  However, the responsibility to prevent child abuse doesn't lie solely on the shoulders of social workers, and other helping professionals.  This is everybody's problem to solve!  Is this daunting?  Absolutely.  It's easy to support child abuse prevention, but how does the average person actually prevent child abuse?  For the next several weeks I'll be talking about how the average, everyday person can actively prevent child abuse in his or her community.  Let's build some fences!

The Beauty of Consequences

My initial goal for these monthly themes was to write at least 3 posts on each topic. The problem is, I have a tendency to take extended periods of time to mull over what I've written. I took about two weeks to mull over this one, and it's kind of a miracle that I finished it before March. Quick writing isn't one of my strengths. I'm working on that.
Anyway, in my last post I talked about how pessimistic thoughts happen to pretty much everybody, and it's something we each need to overcome. I also discussed the idea of using hope to combat pessimism's ever-present accompice--fear. However, I really didn't talk too much about optimism. I knew if I even started into optimism I'd go off on another risk-related tangent, and I wanted to save that for another day. Today happens to be that day.
Because hope and optimism are so intertwined, it really is amazing that I was able to stop myself. Here is how I separate hope from optimism. Hope is something you do--an action--while optimism is more of an attitude--something you become. If we get into the habit of stopping pessimistic thoughts with hope, an attitude of optimism is created, and fewer pessimistic thoughts surface. Our hope strengthens our optimism, and in return optimism increases our hope.

Let's use a metaphor. If hope is an action, then we can compare it to running. What happens when you run a lot? You get increased strength, and thus more endurance; your body becomes something greater. You're seeing the parallel between strength and optimism right? Neither are things you really do. They are things you develop. With this increased strength and endurance, you are capable of running farther. And in turn, the farther you run, the stronger you get. It's a pretty awesome cycle.

Anyway, in the last post I differentiated between realistic pessimism (both hopeful and hopeless) and unrealistic pessimism. I could probably do the same with optimism, but at this point it's like splitting hairs. Optimism, whether founded or unfounded, is a good thing, so I won't go there. There is, however, one very strange breed of optimism out there: denial. It's probably optimism's third cousin twice removed or something like that, but there are definitely some similarities.

A couple months ago my husband and I were flipping through the channels on TV and happened across an interesting show on Discovery Channel called Curiousity. This show explores a variety of life's big questions. The topic that night was, "Your Body on Drugs." They found users of several different drugs and asked them to accomplish some tasks while under the influence to see how the drugs impacted their performance. They also measured the person's heart rate, body temperature, etc. to see the physiological impact on the drug users as they performed these tasks.

At the end of the show, they showed each drug user the results. One girl was told that the drug she smoked regularly had caused her 20ish-year-old lungs to look like the lungs of an 80-year-old. As they told her of the implications of her drug use on her health she began to cry. She looked terrified. They offered to get her into drug rehab, and she accepted.

For one man who was in his twenties, his drug of choice (I want to say cocaine, but I can't remember for sure) caused his heart rate and body temperature to go crazy high. They informed him that if he continued to put this stress on his heart, it would almost surely cause cardiac arrest within the next several years (I can't remember the exact number--probably 10 or 15). They showed him all sorts of graphs and statistics, and strongly encouraged him to enter drug rehab in order to extend his life. He acted as though they'd told him that he had a 0.1% chance of getting cancer from Bubble Yum Bubble Gum. He insisted that those things would never happen to him.

Is this optimism? Kind of. Does he have hope? Yes... although it's somewhat misguided. He has hope that his harmful behavior won't have negative consequences. But here's the kicker--is he fearful? He definitely didn't show it, but I would imagine that deep down he knows what he's doing to his body isn't good. I'm sure he has noticed that he can't function without this drug, and it probably scares him. But he probably figures that if he ignores it long enough, it will go away. That's what denial is all about--hope that there will be no consequences. So while denial looks very similar to optimism, it has one very important difference. Denial's hope stems from the fear of consequences. Optimism's hope is something that occurs in spite of fear, with definite mindfulness of consequences. It all goes back to how we look at consequences. Do we fear them? Embrace them? Avoid them? Or do we use them to become better?

I have a friend who wrote a fabulous post about jumping--it's really short, so read it. I love this idea. There are so many great consequences that we miss out on because we're too afraid to go out on a limb. Be nice to the people around you! Try new things! Celebrate victories! Address your problems! Be awesome! These things can't happen unless we're willing to live a life free of fear and denial.

Hope

Seeing as last month's theme was marriage and February is the Valentines month, it would only make sense that this month's theme would be love. But it's not. February's theme is... risk! And no... I'm not talking about the board game--that game takes forever to play. We're talking about the artful task of risk-taking, with all it's pros and cons. Romantic, yes?

To start off, I need to talk a little bit about research. Research is incredibly useful when it comes to risk-taking. Research is used in food, medicine, cars, cleaning products, travel, insurance... you name it, and it relies a lot on research.

Companies use it to predict how successful a product might be. Based on their research, companies can better guess what risks are worth taking, and which ones aren't. If Hidden Valley wanted to introduce a new flavor of ranch dressing, you better believe they want a good sized sample of average(ish) people tasting it. They want to know if the product tastes good and also if people are going to be willing to buy it. If the taste testers guzzle that new ranch down and start chanting "HVR! HVR!" it's probably safe to say releasing it would be a good risk to take. If the results are a little more nonchalant, the risk goes up.

(How could I resist posting this video? "There's a Hidden Valley Ranch party in my mouth!")

Research is incredibly crucial in the medical sphere as well. For one, research ensures that a medication or procedure is safe. It also helps determine risks factors or side effects. For example, if I were prescribed ear drops for an ear infection (and I was), I might wonder what the side effects are for these ear drops. So I'd pull out my handy dandy ear drop information sheet from the box (and unfold it a billion times), and from it I learn that some side effects might be discomfort, bitter taste in mouth, itching, earache, dizziness, abnormal sensation, or rash. If upon reading these side effects I think to myself, "An abnormal sensation is something I just can't deal with right now,"I could delve further into the information leaflet and learn that just 1% of the test subjects who used these ear drops experienced an abnormal sensation. At this point, I can make an informed decision on whether using these ear drops are worth the 1% risk of experiencing an abnormal sensation. Of course, I'd choose to use it. Can you ear drop blast me now?! (Reference to the above video. Watch it.)

But what about this? Let's say a doctor recommends a surgery with an 80% success rate. Thus, there's a 20% chance of failure. Research predicts that usually this operation goes well, but recognizes that it's also possible for things to go wrong. This is definitely more risky than a 1% chance of abnormal sensation, but the odds are still on your side.

There are several possible reactions to this situation. First of all, there are the realistically optimistic people. These people would look at that and think, "Things usually work out fine for most people, so chances are things will work out fine for me too." They realize that success is not guaranteed, but they're probably going to take the risk because the odds are so good.

And then we have the paranoid reaction. These folks--bless their dear hearts--are unrealistically pessimistic. These people look at an 80% success rate and think, "There's a 20% chance of failure. With my luck, there's no way this surgery will work for me." They assume that they will fall under the minority. For them, Murphy's law is gospel. If something can go wrong, it will surely happen to them, no matter how good their odds are. They become so paralyzed by the fear of negative consequences that they don't take risks. I don't know if J. K. Rowling is an authority on this subject, but she said something I really like. "It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all--in which case, you fail by default." Sometimes cars crash, but that's no reason to never get in a car. Super glue can sometimes make your fingers stick together, but that's no reason to completely avoid it. Sometimes the ranch dressing doesn't get finished off by the expiration date, but that's no reason to not buy ranch. Life is risky. But fear of risk shouldn't stop us from living.

When we talk about optimism and pessimism, we usually talk about a glass being either half full or half empty. And really, both sides are correct, regardless of how they look at it. But the funny thing about unrealistic pessimism is that the glass might be mostly full, but it's still seen as being half empty. It's a negatively skewed reality, and I find that incredibly interesting.

Now, what about in a situation where the success rate of a surgery is 40%? The risk is much, much higher. In this situation, the same people who earlier were realistically optimistic might now lean more toward realistic pessimism. They may feel reluctant to take that risk, and that's completely normal. If the stats say things usually don't work out, it's completely rational to fear that things will go wrong. However, perhaps the risk of surgery isn't the only risk they have to take into consideration. Maybe the risk of developing a life-threatening condition is much higher when the surgery is avoided.

At this point, the realistic pessimists divide. On the one hand are the ones without hope. They look at poor odds expecting poor results, and dwell on that fact. Hopeless realistic pessimists and unrealistic pessimists have one essential thing in common: They are both controlled by their fears, regardless of whether they are real or imagined. And fear is a merciless master--it corrodes the soul and restricts the mind.

On the other hand we have hopeful realistic pessimism. First of all, hopeful pessimism seems like a complete oxymoron. How does that work? The dictionary says pessimism is, "an inclination to emphasize adverse aspects, conditions, and possibilities or to expect the worst possible outcome." We usually see this as someone who is always pessimistic (and those people definitely exist), but I want to emphasize the "inclination" part. Are we not all inclined to be pessimistic every once in a while? We've all said or thought things like, "This is going to be a long day," or "This probably isn't going to turn out very well." We're all inclined to be pessimistic, even if we're usually pretty optimistic. Pessimism comes so naturally--it's not something we have to work on. However, optimism does take work. Some of the most optimistic people I know are also very self-disciplined.

Now that we've established that pessimism is a normal reaction (although definitely not the best reaction), we can bring hope into the picture. What separates the hopeless from the hopeful is how this pessimism is handled. The hopeless pessimist might think, "This is going to be a long day," and dwells on this belief. Eventually the fear may set in that the next day is going to be a long day as well. Then perhaps that person might fear that every day for the rest of his or her life is going to be a long day. Fear wins.

When the hopeful pessimist thinks, "This is going to be a long day," something very essential happens: the hopeful pessimist hopes that tomorrow will be better. The hopeful pessimist does not let a moment of predicted failure define and destroy his or her life.

Fear focuses on today. Fear would have us believe that today's failures will fill all of our tomorrows. Fear encourages the belief that today's bleakness will never end. But with hope, the focus is tomorrow. With hope, the those things that didn't work out today can perhaps work out in the future. Hope sustains us through our failures and makes change possible. Hope gives realistic pessimists and optimists alike the courage to make hard decisions and take big risks, regardless of what the odds look like.

Ignorance

A few weeks ago I had a pretty crazy week at work. Of course I had the usual hilarious comments and stories, but unfortunately some sad things came up as well. In the older grades we talk about the difference between spanking and physical abuse. We tell them that getting a spanking is not physical abuse--it doesn't hurt very bady or very long, and it mostly just makes a loud noise. Physical abuse, on the other hand, leaves "big ouches" like bruises, welts, or broken bones. As long as spanking doesn't leave any marks and is done with a hand (opposed to a spoon or belt), it is completely legal in the state of Utah. Now, I really don't like spanking as a form of discipline (I'll explain my reasoning in another post sometime), but because it's legal, it's something I have to address in GTBT because it's something that's done in many families. The goal of GTBT isn't to convince kids that they are being abused. The goal is to educate kids on what abuse is and what abuse is not so that they can get help if they are being abused.

At this point in the conversation in two separate classes I had two kids tell me things that made my heart sink. One child told me her friend's father hits her friend with a belt and that it hurts really bad. Spanking a child with a belt or wooden spoon was pretty common 20 or 30 years ago, but not so much now. It's against the law to hit a child with an object, and it actually does count as abuse. Another child timidly told me her friend's dad threw a high heeled shoe at her friend. She also mentioned that this friend's parents don't give her friend very much food. Once again, it's against the law to hit a child with an object. It also sounded a little bit like neglect.

With the first situation, I honestly think the child's parents have no idea hitting a child with a belt is against the law. I highly doubt they are blatantly trying to abuse their child. Chances are, those parents were probably disciplined by their parents with a belt too, so they assume that's the best way to discipline their own children. The second situation is a little more sticky with the neglect implications, but it very well might fall under the same category. Those parents were probably also raised with things being thrown at them, so they figure if their parents could do it to them, they can do it to their own kids.

While there are definitely parents out there who are deliberately cruel to their kids, it seems to me that the main culprit behind most abuse cases is ignorance. Parents have a lot of freedom to raise their children however they wish. However, this freedom has certain limits (the law, natural consequences, etc.). Some parents aren't aware of these limits; others might be aware of the limits, but they have skewed ideas of where these limits lie. For example, a mother might hear of a child being severely beaten and scoff at that child's parents for doing such a thing. She might think, "It's so obvious! You just don't do that to a child! Giving them a good hard swat on the butt with a wooden spoon is enough!" This mother can easily define severe abuse, but doesn't think twice about her own illegal discipline strategies.

The limits of physical discipline are fairly well defined by the law--if an object is used, it is abuse; if it leaves a mark, it's abuse. There are some slightly grey areas when it comes to slapping--it often leaves marks that are only temporary. If a child is slapped and immediately runs to a police officer before the hand print disappears, it can be documented as abuse. However, this hand print would last maybe only a half hour, so the chances of a police officer seeing it before it disappears is pretty slim. In that case, it's not abuse because there is zero evidence.

Neglect is a little less clear cut because the law can't really define these limits. Because parents do have a lot of freedom in raising their kids, there can't be laws stating that children must be fed three times a day, bathed at least once a week, and wearing a coat November through March. The basic guideline the law gives is that children should be thriving. However, there are natural laws that parents must obey in order for their children to thrive. If parents fail to feed their children, the natural consequence is that the kids would eventually become malnourished. If parents fail to change a child's diaper, the natural consequence is that the child would develop a diaper rash. These are the sort of laws that really can't be evaded.

If all parents were better informed on these laws, whether they are laws of the land or laws of nature, I think abuse and neglect would happen less. I think there would be fewer parents putting their babies in ovens to keep them warm. I think there would be fewer parents expecting three-year-olds to prepare their own meals. Parents do stupid things to their kids because they don't know it's stupid. If they knew of a better way, most would probably go with the better way.

If I had it my way, this is how things would work: Parenting licenses. I'm not joking about this. Think about it this way. You need a license to drive a car. In order to obtain this license you are required to take a test. If you are under a certain age, you are required to take a class as well. This ensures (for the most part) that people on the roads know how to drive correctly and are aware of the laws. A license must be renewed periodically, and after a certain amount of traffic offences the license can be suspended. If licenses weren't required, imagine how chaotic roads would be. Imagine how many more crashes would happen. Drivers licenses don't eliminate bad driving or crashes, but they do prevent a lot of stupid mistakes.

I think it should work the same way with parenting. In order for a person to have custody of a child (whether it's a biological parent, adopted parent, family member, foster parent, etc.), they would need a parenting license. Parenting licenses could be obtained at hospitals or courthouses by taking a basic parenting test at a low cost (enough to cover processing). An inexpensive study guide could also be purchased at the testing site prior to the test. The test wouldn't need to be complicated or difficult--it would center around child abuse definitions, basic child development, and child health. Parents under the age of 18 would need to take a parenting ed class before the child is born in order to be eligible to get a parenting license. A parent would need to renew their license every 5 years or so until their youngest child is 18. In the event of abuse, neglect, drug use, incarceration, etc, a parenting license could be suspended or revoked, depending on the severity of the infraction. The children would then be placed in the care of a guardian who does have a current parenting license. This wouldn't prevent all child abuse cases, but it would at least elevate the general public's parenting knowledge.

It's a slightly ridiculous idea, but if licensing works for regulating drivers, hunters, business owners, and professionals, why wouldn't it work for parenting too? If ignorance is part of the problem, shouldn't the solution be mandatory education?

GTBT Quote of the Week

There is a page in the Good-Touch/Bad-Touch Giant Storybook where Jonathan (the main character) is standing by a park bench and there are a few pigeons gathered around him on the sidewalk. There is also a lady in pink with a hat sitting on the bench. I explain that this lady is probably somebody Jonathan knows and that she is trying to sexually abuse Jonathan. Then I ask if this lady has the right to sexually abuse Jonathan.

The kids exclaim with wide eyes, "No!"

I ask, "Why not?"

"IT'S MY BODY!!" is the enthusiastic reply.

I explain that it's Jonathan's body and he is the only one who decides who he wants to share his body with. Next, I ask what Jonathan is probably feeling. At this point, the concept of the Uh-Oh feeling is old news. I've already asked this question about 3 times, so they usually get the idea by this point. Jonathan would feel the Uh-Oh feeling. It would let him know that something was wrong. But yesterday's response was a new one.

"He'd feel like kicking a pigeon!"

The class liked this idea and hummed their approval.

Their teacher stepped in, "Class. Would you really kick a pigeon?"

"No..." they collectively murmured in defeat.

"Ok. Then we aren't going to talk about kicking pigeons," their teacher said.

I've been thinking about this ever since that presentation, and you know what?

If I were Jonathan, I would want to kick a pigeon too.

Auschwitz

It had been an especially gloomy day in the Auschwitz concentration camp.  One prisoner had stolen some food, and thus camp officials demanded to be informed of the prisoner's identity so he or she could be executed.  The officials threatened to make the entire camp go hungry for a day, but the prisoners agreed that it was better for 2500 men to be hungry for a day than for one man to lose his life.  To add to the discomfort, the lights went out.  At the end of the day, the prisoners sat tired and hungry in pitch black barracks.

Spirits were low, and the wise senior block warden saw this as a potentially dangerous situation.  Suicide often accompanied this kind of misery.  Should a man attempt suicide, other prisoners were forbidden from taking measures to save him.  Thus, it was imperative to keep thoughts of suicide out of prisoners' minds.

The warden turned to one of the cold, tired, and hungry men and invited him to say some words to his fellow prisoners.  This man went by the name Viktor Frankl and had been a psychiatrist prior to his imprisonment in Auschwitz.  He stood in the darkness before his comrades feeling emotionally unequipped to inspire hope in his fellow prisoners when he himself felt very low.  However, he began to speak anyway.

First he spoke of the present.  He acknowledged that they had all lost much on their road to Auschwitz.  He reminded them that although they'd lost much, one thing had yet to be taken from them--their lives.  He told them their sacrifices would make them stronger people.  He quoted a German poet, "That which does not kill me, makes me stronger."

He then spoke of the future.  He admitted that he estimated the chances of his own survival to be about one in twenty.  The work was hard, the food was inadequate, and disease spread quickly.  However, he firmly stated that although the odds were against him, he would not give up hope.  He reminded them that there is no way to tell what the future would bring.  Perhaps it would bring death.  But perhaps it would bring freedom and a re-accumulation of all that was lost before Auschwitz.  Or perhaps the future would contain a different form of luck--an assignment to a work group with unusually good working conditions.

Next he spoke of the past.  He asked them to think of the wonderful and joyous things they had experienced in their lives before coming to Auschwitz.  He told them, "What you have experienced, no power on earth can take from you.  Not only our experiences, but all we have done, whatever great thoughts we may have had, and all we have suffered, all this is not lost, though it is past" (Man's Search for Meaning, p. 82).  The Nazis may have robbed their possessions, but they could never steal happy memories.

Lastly he spoke of the importance of meaning in a man's life--the importance of having a reason to live.  He explained that this meaning is different for every person.  For one person this reason to live might stem from the love of a family member.  For another it may come from a great work that has been left unfinished.  For others, this meaning comes from a promise that they will live and die with their faces pointing toward God.  Knowledge that a dead loved one is watching over them can give men the strength to even suffer or die with dignity.  Mr. Frankl quoted the German poet again, "He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how" (Man's Search for Meaning).  If a person knows why he is living, how he lives--whether it be good or bad conditions--is an insignificant detail.  No man wants to live and die for nothing.

Eventually the lights came back on that night.  Some time later World War II ended and the Auschwitz concentration camp was liberated.  Viktor Frankl was one of the relatively few survivors of Auschwitz set free that day.  He later wrote a book entitled Man's Search for Meaning which described his experiences in Auschwitz.

I know many people who have found themselves in their own metaphorical Auschwitz.  Depression keeps them caged in a very dark, frightening, and humiliating place.  It does not seem fair that they were brought to this place while so many others avoid it.  It seems as though they will never be liberated from this Auschwitz, and at times suicide appears to be the only escape.

Last month a young man from my hometown took his own life.  I never met this boy, and I do not know the circumstances of his suicide, but I was told that this metaphorical Auschwitz appeared to be a factor in his death.

I have never been to Auschwitz, and there is much I do not know about this place.  There is much about Auschwitz that I hope to never learn first hand.  But to those who do know Auschwitz, I strongly encourage you to get professional help.  Do not keep your Auschwitz a secret.  The strongest sort of people reach for help when they feel weak.  If suicide begins to become an option, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) any time of day or night.  This hotline is free, completely confidential, and they will talk to you as long as you need, then give you some ideas of people or agencies to contact in order to get long-term help.  There are lots of people and organizations who can help you, but they won't know you need help until you ask for it.

If you know someone who seems trapped in Auschwitz, do everything you can to be supportive.  Pay particular attention to any extreme changes in how that person lives.  A few things to watch for are changes in sleeping patterns (sleeping a lot more or a lot less), extreme weight gain or loss, changes in eating habits, changes in hygiene, withdrawal from social activities or hobbies that used to be enjoyable, or increase in drug or alcohol consumption.  These are just a few common warning signs for suicide, but most importantly trust your instincts.  If something feels wrong, do something about it.  If someone tells you they have been considering suicide, encourage them to call the phone number above, let them know you care about them, and then tell someone about it (even if they ask you to keep it a secret).  If you feel someone is about to commit suicide right then or is in the process of it, call 911 immediately.  If you are interested in learning more about how to help a friend, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline website has some really good information.  Another good website to look into is What a Difference a Friend Makes.

After World War II, these words were found etched into a wall of a cellar used to hide Jews escaping from the Nazi regime:
"I believe in the sun,
even when it is not shining.
I believe in love,
even when I don't feel it.
I believe in God,
even when there is silence."

At one point or another, the sun will grow dim for all of us, and things will look impossible.  We might be cold, tired, or hungry, but we must not lose hope.  The gates of Auschwitz are formidable, but they can always be torn down.

Connections

An article in The New Yorker told of a man who attended a conference in which a certain neuroscientist spoke about the brain.  This neuroscientist described humans as beings almost completely controlled by the neural wiring, brain chemistry, and genes within our brains.  "The scientist described human beings as creatures driven by deep mechanisms, almost like puppets on strings, not as ensouled human beings capable of running their own lives."

However, at the conclusion of the scientist's lecture he was asked how this knowledge of the human brain had changed his life.  He gave a surprising answer--this knowledge had caused him to join a folk dance company.  He explained:

"I guess I used to think of myself as a lone agent, who made certain choices and established certain alliances with colleagues and friends.  Now, though, I see things differently.  I believe we inherit a great river of knowledge, a flow of patterns coming from many sources.  The information that comes from deep in the evolutionary past we call genetics.  The information passed along from hundreds of years ago we call culture.  The information passed along from decades ago we call family, and the information offered months ago we call education.  But it is all information that flows through us.  The brain is adapted to the river of knowledge and exists only as a creature in that river.  Our thoughts are profoundly molded by this long historic flow, and none of us exists, self-made, in isolation from it. ... I've come to think that flourishing consists of putting yourself in situations in which you lose self-consciousness and become fused with other people, experiences, or tasks.  It happens sometimes when you are lost in a hard challenge, or when an artist or a craftsman becomes one with the brush or the tool.  It happens sometimes while you're playing sports, or listening to music or or lost in a story, or to some people when they feel enveloped by God's love.  I've come to think that happiness isn't really produced by conscious accomplishments.  Happiness is a measure of how thickly the unconscious parts of our minds are intertwined with other people and with activities.  Happiness is determined by how much information and affection flows through us covertly every day and year."

In my studies, my classmates and I are constantly reminded that no man is an island.  The systems theory explains that every person has a countless number of connections to systems outside themselves.  I have connections with each member of my family, with each roommate and friend I've ever had, with the leaders in my religion, with the people I know from high school, with my professors, with the people from my hometown, with the people I've worked with, and with countless other people.  I even have connections to people who have no connection to me, such as Oprah, J.K. Rowling, and President Obama.  It doesn't matter how much I actually interact with these connections I have formed or if I interact with them at all; it is still a connection, and I have millions--perhaps billions--of them.  And each of these connections makes up a part, no matter how small, of who I am and what I do.  If something good or bad happens to any one of these connections, I am affected, whether I like it or not.  The only way to break these connections is for me to completely forget that the connection ever existed.  We are all inherently connected to people.

Another theory I've learned about that goes right along with the systems theory is the ecological theory.  The idea behind this theory is that human beings have a very intimate two-way relationship with various levels of their environment.  The first level is the person's family and friends, the second level is the community (this includes things like school, work, and church), the third level is institutions (such as the government or economy), and the fourth level is the person's culture and that culture's values.  Not only does the person constantly influence and manipulate each of these levels of his or her environment, these levels also influence and manipulate the person.  It is impossible to completely separate the person from his or her environment because while the environment is influencing the person, the person is simultaneously influencing the environment.

All of this--the connections and environmental relationships--simply happens without us making the slightest conscious effort to make it happen.  It's not something we can learn or forget; our brains do it naturally.

With that in mind, I consider man's true role in choosing his or her own fate.  I have come in contact with many children whose parents chose to do drugs.  I think when this behavior first occurred, the parents felt they could contain the effects of the drugs to only themselves.  I think they truly believed that no harm would come to their children because of it.  I think they believed that doing drugs would not change their connections or their environment.  And yet, everything did change.  Drugs impaired their ability to care for and interact with their children.  They could not contain their drug use to only the first level of their environment and eventually the other levels of their environment noticed what was happening.  Most significantly, the legal system noticed.  The parents entered the legal system, and the children entered the child welfare system.  The parents found themselves in jail, and the children found themselves in foster homes.  The parents choice to use drugs not only completely changed their own environment, but it also completely changed the environment of those they were most closely connected to--their children.  I do not think this is what the parents had in mind when they first began using drugs.  I do not think that they thought to themselves, "I choose to use drugs, hurt everyone connected to me, and completely change my life."

We have the ability to make a number of choices.  But we must not disregard what these choices will do to the connections we have naturally formed, for we have no control over that.  As the neuroscientist asserted, every choice we make should nurture those deep, love-filled connections we've formed and immerse ourselves in activities we are passionate about, for this feeds the very core of our being.  In doing so, we subconsciously create a place in our minds where we can be completely and entirely filled with joy.